Who The F*** Are You?

Yo, yo, yo! In case you missed the announcement previously, I’m currently putting the finishing touches on Black Hole, Son!, the fifth and final Exponential Apocalypse book, and saying goodbye to the EA universe for good. In that vein, I’m doing a victory lap of assorted and vaguely-associated odds and ends — basically the kinds of stuff that I think I’d like to know about a book series.

Previously, I talked about the official reading order for the EA stories. Today, I’m going to answer the question: If the Exponential Apocalypse books were made into movies — or a radio play, or a cartoon — who would you want to play everyone? Who’s asking that question? My wife and me, mainly. But maybe you too!

In any event, the beauty of books is that everyone’s going to have a different answer. I’m in no way trying to dissuade you from thinking of certain characters however you want. Assuming you’re thinking about them at all, that is. Is that too self-deprecating? Maybe I should get on with it? OK. Let’s go.

Thor Odinson: Chris Pratt. Though it’s kind of de rigueur now, when the first Exponential Apocalypse came out Pratt was just that fat, goofy guy on some show no one watched. Which was perfect for a fat, goofy god in a book no one was reading. I started picturing Thor as Pratt pretty early on, and reading Thor’s dialogue in Pratt’s voice really helped me nail the character down. I was seriously legitimately angry when Marvel cast him as Star-Lord; I felt like they were stealing my dude.

Queen Victoria XXX: Vella Lovell. The polar opposite of Thor, Vicky showed up more or less fully-formed in my head, and trying to pin down who could play her was difficult. Like, she’s regal, but she could also kick your ass, and she also hangs out with Thor so she’s gotta be down with fart jokes? Anyway, I really like Lovell on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and I feel like she could do Vicky justice.

William H. Taft XLII: Charley Koontz. In the first book, I definitely pictured Billy as more of a Jorge Garcia, but, by the end of Black Hole, Son!, I kind of started liking Koontz as Billy more. Also, and this isn’t really fair to Jorge Garcia, I still watch Community a little obsessively, and if it were up to me, I would cast every single actor from that show in everything.

Chester A. Arthur XVII: John Cho. Holy shit, John Cho. It has taken me literally forever to figure this out — and, in fact, I had something else entirely written here mere moments ago — but the answer is obviously Cho. Even more so than with Vicky, Charlie completely eluded me, often appearing kind of nebulous in my head. But, I mean, come on. Gravitas? Intelligence? Handsomeness? Humor? That’s Cho. I feel so stupid for not figuring this out earlier.

Catrina Dalisay: Vanessa Hudgens. Catrina’s got a kind of everywoman quality to her and, as the sole non-superpowered person in the books, is often the sanest voice in the room. While I’ll admit I wouldn’t have thought of Hudgens initially, after seeing her on Powerless, I’m a lot more on board.

Ali Sahin: Danny Pudi. Always and forever. I know in the earlier editions I made Ali Turkish and Pudi is of Indian heritage, and I know those two nationalities are not interchangeable, but, honestly, I only did that to try and make it less obvious that I was basing the character on the actor, and that was my mistake. Let’s just pretend the Sahin family fled India for Turkey after the megacryometeor shower that destroyed Mumbai. Boom. Canon.

Boudica IX: Ellie Kemper. Bo started out a lot more unhinged than she ended up, kind of a Joker-esque force of chaos. Kemper, meanwhile, seems to always play the polar opposite of that, which, honestly, feels like a waste of her talents. Or maybe she just likes being nice? I don’t know. In any event, I imagine Bo is a lot like Kimmy Schmidt, only more violently psychotic.

Anyway, here’s the rest of the list without pictures, because this is starting to feel equal parts silly and stalkery.

Mark Hughes: Guys, I have thought of, like, thirty-seven different actors to play Mark and I still don’t have an answer. The possibilities are endless. Will Ferrell? Colin Farrell? Michael K. Williams? All excellent choices.

Timmy the Super Squirrel: Bruce Campbell. I mean, obviously, right?

Jesus Christ: Honestly, I don’t know. I alternately pictured Jeff Bridges, Seth Rogen, and Aasif Mandvi while I was writing, so if there’s a Palestinian version of those three guys, let’s go with him.

Dr. Lee Arahami: Grant Imahara of Mythbusters fame. But you guys figured that one out already, right?

Quetzalcoatl: Jaime Camil. Otherwise known as Rogelio on Jane the Virgin. I regretfully did not know of Camil until recently, and that is an oversight I’m going to have to take to my grave.

Andrew Jackson II: Joel McHale. I contend that McHale’s take on, well, everyone he’s ever played, is the quintessential charming asshole: you’re really rooting for his comeuppance-slash-messy death, but, also? You totally get why someone would bang him.

Satan: George Clooney. No commentary here or anything, I just think that’d be fun to watch.

Typhoid Mary and Lizzie Borden: Betty White and Cloris Leachman. If for no other reason than to get these two on screen together again.

Walt Sidney: Bryan Cranston. Come on, Walter White as Walt Sidney’s head in a jar? Plus, he’s already got experience doing just that in the Power Rangers reboot. (Yet another casting decision that I did not get to do first.)

Loki: Jim Parsons. Sheldon as a scheming, sniveling demigod? ‘nough said, really.

And that’s that. Did I forget anybody? Anyone you pictured differently? If so, I’m genuinely curious! Let me know!

2 thoughts on “Who The F*** Are You?

  1. Amy

    I see Chris Pratt as more like Mark than Thor. I could see him really having fun with the eye implant and um, other enhancements. All the rest of your suggestions seem absolutely spot-on and fun to imagine. I would so love to see a mini series based on the EA series, even with unknown actors.

    I liked the audiobook narration on the first book, that’s just a side note. I feel like some of the people who left reviews on Audible weren’t understanding that the droll tone was on purpose. So yeah, you work the front desk at the Secaucus Holiday Inn with only three guests checked in, or you fight zombies off your property for the 100th time, or have to drive four hours for beer and also be attacked, and see how excited your tone comes across to others. I hope Lee Ann Howlett, when reading the reviews, gives it her perfectly intoned “this is bullshit in her mind because she was fantastic; most significantly her Quetzalcoatl. Biscuits and gravy, colonel. Biscuits and gravy.

    • Eirik Post author

      Thank you, Amy! So glad you got it! And also that you enjoyed the book!

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