Liebster “Award”

A week or so ago, I was nominated for a Liebster Award by one Sawney Hatton, author of Dead Size and White Space & Other Stories. Having read his blog — and only his blog, it should probably be noted — I’m led to understand that this “Liebster” is a bullshit chain letter-esque ruse to get more site traffic and that the only requirements are a disdain for the “award” itself, biting sarcasm in one’s responses, and a lax adherence to the rules.

The Liebster Award, presumably.

With those guidelines in mind, then, I humbly “accept,” Sawney.

According to the Liebster “rules,” I need to list the rules. You’ll please note my “additions” to these “rules” by way of a black line running through them. And, yes, while not tagging anyone else would appear counter to any and all purposes a chain blog might conceivably have, it’s early and I’m lazy and I’m not actually convinced I know eleven people with blogs.

Anyway, the “rules.”

1. List 11 random facts about me.

2. Nominate 11 bloggers for the Liebster Blog Award.

3. Notify the bloggers.

4. Ask 11 questions the bloggers must answer upon receiving the nomination.

5. Answer the 11 questions you were asked when you were nominated.

6. Link back to the person who nominated you.

Right. Now, on with the bullshit!

Here are some facts:

1) I say I’m 6’2″, but technically I’m only 6’1 3/4″. I think.

2) My height has not actually been measured for the better part of a decade. No nurse has been tall enough to do so.

Like this, except 100% the opposite.

3) Sometimes I go to two different locations of the same fast food chain so that the people working at them don’t know I’m going to the same fast food restaurant twice in a week.

4) My friend and I used to go to a particular Blimpie’s so often that the lady there once had our sandwiches ready as we walked in the door.

5) That same friend also once convinced a Subway sandwich-maker to make my sub about 80% vinegar and then I ate it anyway and spent a good chunk of time afterward doubled over on the floor regretting my decision and cursing his name.

6) It is my strident belief that Blimpie is better than Subway.

7) I am growing less and less sure that these are facts and not opinions but I don’t care.

8) I have a theory that music works on a 30 year cycle and that Nirvana, Pearl Jam, and Soundgarden are basically The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, and The Who, respectively, and that Dave Grohl is Eric Clapton. That’s really as far as the theory goes.

9) As of right now, it’s been almost 48 hours since I last bathed.

10) The check engine light in my car came on about halfway through Arizona but my wife and I ignored it and drove the six hours home anyway.

11) I will almost definitely take a shower after I eat breakfast.

Almost definitely.

And here’re my questions from Sawney:

1) If you could redo anything in your life, what would it be? I probably wouldn’t have started this blog post. The vinegar sub thing is also a strong contender.

2) What was your most frightening experience? One time I was in a knife fight with a ghost on the ledge of a skyscraper while giving a huge presentation in my underwear. That was pretty terrifying.

3) Who is your favorite author that you think more people should read? Me. I thought that was obvious.

4) What music most defines you? If there was a soundtrack to my life it would almost certainly be punk covers of classic rock. Like this:

5) What’s your favorite source of protein? Blake’s green chile cheeseburgers. Scrambled eggs are a close second place.

6) What reviled film is your guiltiest pleasure? I defended Daredevil a lot longer than I probably should have, but, honestly, I can’t think of any bad movie I really enjoy. Partly that’s because I don’t have cable and I missed Sharknado, but mostly it’s because I ain’t got time for shitty movies. Unless being shitty is the entire point, in which case I will MST3K the hell out of them.

7) What ARE the droids you’re looking for? Crow and Tom Servo. Also, if there’s a robot that will clean my dishes for me, I’d like one of those.

8) What is the meaning of afterlife? It’s a noun, defined as “life after death.” Get a fucking dictionary, man. I’ve got more important things to do than look up words you should already know.

9) What is your favorite question on this list and why? I’m a big fan of the self-assurance and presumptuousness of this question. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that if I were a question — and I were drunk and not married — I’d probably try to take this question home with me.

10) Answer a question of your own conception. I’d rather not question my own conception. That way lies existential crises and gross imagery.

11) Question #11 can suck it. Indeed, my good sir.

Anyway, to quote Bender, “Well… that was dumb.” But it was a blog post and you read it, so, mission accomplished I guess. I’m sorry you’ll never get those last few minutes of your life back.