History Lesson: Paul Revere

Paul Revere was a famous American drunk and exhibitionist who lived during the height of the Revolutionary War. He is best remembered for stealing a horse and riding through the streets of Boston in the middle of the night, pants on his head and ass in the air, screaming incomprehensibly about invading Communists and their death rays and armored zeppelins.

Because Colonial Americans didn’t have cable or reliable Wi-Fi and relied mainly on poets to get their news, and also because it was really, really dark out, Revere was incorrectly attributed with creating the first mobile public address system, a contraption built from pots and pans and a complete disregard for the fact that people were trying to sleep, God damn it. While hurriedly trying to file a patent on the invention before William Dawes, another colonial loudmouth, could take proper credit, Revere met office clerk Sarah Orne. The two were married that evening in Niagara Falls, after Sarah’s shift ended, flying there in Revere’s single-engine Cessna and performing the ceremony themselves, in a barrel, as it went over the falls.

Shortly after this famous “Midnight Bride,” Paul Revere put down the better part of a quart of whiskey, fell into a pond, and was frozen into a six-foot-tall ice cube. Found almost two centuries later by the Incredible Hulk, Paul Revere joined the Avengers, got a naive teenager killed, punched Hitler in the face, and then won the Vietnam War with nothing but his dashing good looks. He retired from crime-fighting soon thereafter, moving to a nice place in the country and founding an orphanage in Buenos Aires for heroin-addicted kittens.

Sadly, Revere was assassinated by a Skrull sniper just days after the ground-breaking. He was two hundred and forty years old.